The Second Time Around,
Updated: Jan 7
You know more, You see more. You do differently, hopefully.
Many moons ago,
a decade actually,
I had a wonderful lover; the good kind of lover who both makes love to you and believes in your dreams simultaneously.
He gifted me this website of PlanetZynnia, one fall day in September of 2011. I am pretty sure it was the 12th, but I could be wrong give or take a day. PlanetZynnia was my twitter name because my old roommate and I would party aliases, and tell people we were from Planet Awesome.
Clever girls we were... also incredibly lucky girls we were.
As a 30 year old, I look at 19 year olds as babies and I forget how capable a 19 year old can really be. I forget sometimes that by the time I turned 19, I had already lived more life than most 40 year olds at that time, in the world of Utah.
(Allow me to revisit this when I have a 19 year old)
Long before we had podcasts at our fingertips and regular conversation topic, and long before the freedom for anyone to call themselves an expert because of lived experience and good video edits, there were blogs of passion and grit and narrowed topics you once thought were complete books themselves. Really good stuff in the day with less technology; I laugh at the irony as I type out this post.
I used to want a blog because I had so many downloads coming into my consciousness at a rate I couldn't keep up with. I've kept journals all my life and living on my own, doing nothing but dancing on the weekends and going to community college during the week, I had a lot of free time. Most of it was spent in the downtown Salt Lake Library or on my bicycle. But so much free time.... This era of my life feels like a lifetime before Zaí.
Photo: My own name mentioning in the Newspaper at our school in Bengbu, Ch.
Writing has always been my first real love. Through journals and creative writing classes in high school and winning little school awards for essays and publishing a poem in our high school book, I thought I wanted to become a Broadcast Journalist my own show on Discovery Channel; to film for people about traveling around the World to other cultures and writing about their human connections and photographing their eyes and candids of gatherings. After studying Journalism for a year, I realized that I didn't need a degree in order to be a published writer and my mom paid for me to travel with a Language Program run by the LDS Church.
The few months leading up to, and during the beginnings of moving to Bengbu, I was writing like a mad-woman! Somewhere along the way, between my pages of ample writing and Devan gifting me the most beautifully named website I could have ever thought of, and moving to the country of my dreams, I disconnected from my soul's creative art and I started creating for others. For what I think they wanted to hear. I started creating for the hope of fame, glory, and a New York Time's best selling authors title. I got away from my Why, but even back then if you had told me that part,
it would have gone right over my head. I was starting to censor my words, dim my personality, fade over really important thoughts, and succumb to the pressure of pleasing the readers like my Mormon side of the family and their patriarchal anti-feminism opinions.
I didn't know it then, but I wasn't mean to be a famous blogger at the age of 20.
Go Figure. I was meant to explore the world, get to know myself, strengthen my intuition, and be in touch with my dreams coming true. I got to turn 21 in a country and around community where my Soul felt at home and where I felt in the first time in my life; totally SAFE.
I was meant to be 20, and not yet a guru. My spirit was so old, and my body was so young and traumatized. I was so disconnected between the two, I didn't even know then that Intuition has its own Voice.
It's been many years before I could feel comfortable writing a blog and publishing my thoughts the way I did when I was 19 and carefree. I've had to work through certain life traumas before I could feel safe, even in my own online domain. I've never been one for pretending what is there, isn't. Seeing through veils is sort of my visual foundation, and boy, does it trigger others! It has taken me 10 years to be okay with that, without taking it on. My inner-work has been deep and profound and when I think of my younger self and how much I didn't know about the layers in the world and people and energy, I humbly keep my mouth closed and just smile... because I can see that she knew so much more than she will ever give herself credit for.
I was practically raised by the Angels themselves.
For ten years, I have kept this one thing with me from a Strong Inside Out blog I read back in the summer of 2011. The author said, "whatever you create, create it for You and God." It's also taken me ten years to know what that means, from intellectually knowing to embodiment feeling. I am still integrating that truth through the triggers.
Whether you are an OG to this work and website I do, like my Uncle Charlie, or you are a first time visitor of a stranger and beyond, thank you for being here and coming to play. And, sorry there are no previous blogs. Turns out a few months ago, I realized I must've missed a year of paying for an empty website, so the ether actually deleted it and all of its content. Poof! Into the atmosphere of the Akashic Records goes my old published articles. There are no copies of them and I feel, I think, a sense of peace about the work that has disappeared. Creating art from a buddhist perspective encourages no attachment to the art. When it is for Me and God, anything can happen to it, and it will remain alive, because the art has been produced and felt and honored. It is not the finished product, but the journey it took to complete: the thoughts we had while completing. The conversations and insights we exchanged during finishing touches are sometimes all the art needs to impact your life. Then it can blow up and you can go home and still enjoy your feline movie night. That's power.
I am not a big selfie taker or a video blogger. I don't make reels and Insta Lives. I don't have one of those hands-free video recording devices and honestly you probably won't see my face a lot! But thank you for being here and sitting with me over the thought of picking back up a passion and trying another whack at it.